“I woke up at 4am in the morning and I thought, ‘f****** hell! Have I really just planned to do what I did?’ I walked in the basement and just burst out crying on the stairs.” Words from former professional rugby league player Paul Highton.
The fear of financial security. The reality of retirement. The suffering of surgery. A build-up of drug dependency that almost resulted in suicide for a Salford City Reds legend.
“I'd had enough.” Highton had reached a point in 2012 where he reveals, life wasn’t worth living. “I had a prescription drug problem. I was on a drug called Tramadol. I should have been on it for two months, but I stayed on it for nearly two years. It became a comfort, allowed me to sleep and I got addicted to it. It got to the point where me and my Mrs got divorced, I left the family and got myself a cottage in the middle of the Saddleworth Moors.”
Highton’s career began in 1994 when he joined Halifax RLFC at the age of 15, before signing for Salford four years later – the club he would go on to spend the rest of his playing days with, making over 200 appearances. The ex-prop also represented Wales in World Cup and European Cup competitions. With over 14 years playing professionally, Highton hung up his boots in 2008. But it wasn’t quite as simple as that.
“I definitely suffered mentally whilst playing, but I didn’t realise it at the time,” he admitted. “When you look back you can join dots. There were moments when I was coming to the end of my contract and I was thinking ‘am I going to get another one?’ It does play on your mind, but at the time I didn’t do anything about it. To stimulate my worry, I drank and did drugs. I masked what was going on.
“I had a kid at 22 and got married at 23. My career changed when I had those responsibilities. It wasn’t just about being a professional sportsman, it was about how I brought money into the house to pay the mortgage, pay the bills and look after my family.”
Now, is there a prevalence of mental health issues in the sport of rugby league? In a study carried out by scientists at York St John University between November 2018 and January 2019, 233 Super League players completed questionnaires that assessed mental health symptoms. Published in February 2020, the results found that the percentage of Super League players with mild depressive symptoms (11.6%), moderate/severe depressive symptoms (2.6%), and mild anxiety symptoms (18.9%) appear higher than in the general population from the UK.
One organisation which helps to provide financial support and career advice to current and retired rugby league players is independent charity, Rugby League Cares. Liam Parker, 24, Health Manager, added: “Rugby league is very much a community sport. Whilst they are seen as role models and the toughest blokes on the planet, they also have their daily struggles. They aren’t guys who are untouchable. You’ll see them at the shops or living in the street next to you.
“Players develop mental health issues post-career, in particular whilst transitioning out of the sport. They’re looking for that sense of purpose. One day they are a rugby league player and the next day when they’re retired, they’re just a normal bloke, which is very difficult to process.”
Although going to university and setting up his own sports development company in the lead up to his retirement, it was a fright of financial hardship and no life structure that troubled Highton.
He said: “At the time I retired, I was a 33-year-old bloke who was thinking I have to start my career at the bottom again, and that tickles your head a bit. Rugby league players dedicate themselves like any other professional athletes, but once we’re finished, we haven’t got that same financial backing compared to football or any other major sport.
“I don’t think there’s a sportsperson like a rugby league player – it’s such a working-class sport. We train the same and are professional as Premier League football players, but when I came home after training, I was with my mates who were brickies and joiners and probably earning more money than me.”
Two major operations, one which involved having a plate removal from his right arm and the other a wrist reconstruction – 18 months after retirement – gave Highton time to reflect. But it was that time where a chain of problems continued. It was a loss in identity that led to an out-of-control drug addiction.
“Paul the rugby player became just Paul.”
“There were operations I kept on putting off when I was playing because I wanted to play in the international games for Wales after each season. I knew if I had them, I wouldn’t be able to. Looking back, that was part of the problem – not looking after myself. I was relying on injections and prescription drugs to numb the pain and it definitely had an impact.
“I was sat on the sofa – whilst recovering – and I started to think about what I used to be. I couldn’t deal with the thought of being retired but still needing to work to earn money. That’s where my head went a little bit west.
Warning: contains strong language
“I woke up one Friday in 2012 and I didn’t want to be here anymore. I set up a noose and a chair in my basement to take my life. It was at night-time and I wanted a drink before I did it to take the edge off my nerves. I drank a bottle of red wine and fell asleep on the sofa.”
It was a failed suicide attempt that gave Highton a wakeup call. The next morning, he requested help and went through 12 weeks of rehabilitation, counselling and psychotherapy. Now, the 42-year-old is using his experiences to help others in education and ambassadorial roles within rugby league mental health-related organisations, including Sporting Chance, State of Mind and RL Cares. He is also in the final year of studying a degree at Manchester Metropolitan University to become a qualified counsellor.
“I feel blessed – I was in a horrible position, but it’s created a really nice career for myself. The s*** I’ve been through has formed the life I have now. I’ve got to be thankful for the fact that I went through that struggle.”
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